When time stands still…

I want to talk about something that is never discussed or even mentioned, but is one of the most important definitive moments in a NICU dad’s journey. It is the moment right before a NICU dad walks into the operating room. It is the moment that time stands still.

The moment

For some NICU dads everything begins with a phone call, a phone call that brings your world crashing down. The phone call is to tell you that something is not right and the baby is coming or has to be delivered immediately. The next moment is you driving like a maniac to the hospital, all the while praying, making promises and deals that you will do ANYTHING if your baby and wife could just be safe. After arriving to the hospital you are thrown into the whirlwind and reality of all that is happening. Before you can fully come to terms or fully understand what is about to happen, you are given a gown to change into. This is the moment that time slows completely down and stands still.

My story

My story was just like this. I couldn’t believe what was happening. It was like an out of body experience, like I was watching a movie of things that were so unimaginable. And it was playing out just like a movie, where the car comes screeching into the parking lot and the husband jumps out and sprints into the hospital. That was me. After making the drive from hell, the one where you are begging God to spare your wife and your baby, I came running in to the Hospital. I had no idea where I was going. I was running and asking people where my wife might have been taken. I run to labor and delivery and open the door to a room and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My wife was on a bed surrounded by doctors and nurses, who were all running around. She was signing papers that I don’t think she even knew what they were, I say this because she kept looking at me and crying as she was signing. I had no idea what was going on. All I knew is that my wife was 27 weeks pregnant and her water broke while she was at work. She was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance and now we are in this room full of madness. The doctors informed me that they were going to give my wife something to help slow things down and try to keep the baby from coming. Before I could wrap my head around this news, they tell us that the baby is breached and is under stress. They are going to have to do an emergency C-section. This all happened within a matter of minutes. We couldn’t believe this was happening. We were devastated and scared. I will never forget the look on my wife’s face as they were wheeling her off to surgery. She was so scared and her eyes looked at me as if she was asking me to please do something. Please save her and the baby. I never felt so helpless in my life. They rushed her away for surgery and hand me a gown. The busy room was now empty and everyone was gone. I was taken into an area to change. I’m trying to get the gown on as I’m trembling. It was not easy. I was praying and praying and praying some more that everything was going to be alright. I was trying as much as I could to not cry and stay strong. I was freaking out inside, but was trying to keep it all together on the outside. I have never been more scared in my life. I was all alone and time was standing still. It must have been just a few minutes, but it felt like an eternity. The doctor finally walked in and talked to me about us going into the operating room, at least that’s what I think he was saying. I couldn’t hear or focus on anything he was saying from all of the adrenaline pumping through me. When he stops talking, I start crying as I ask him if he could please, please let my wife and baby live. That’s where I was. I was in a moment in time where my baby and wife could die. Let me say that again, I was facing a reality where my baby and wife could die! The next thing I know I’m shot into an operating room where I put on my game face for my wife, because she needs me. She will never know what happened on the other side of those doors. We are both terrified, but at least now we are together.

Holding it together

I know my story is too common for some NICU dads. You have received horrific news and are dealing with the fact that your wife or baby could die. Then, before you know it, you are handed a gown and being prepped for your wife’s surgery. You are left alone to change into that gown, but so much more happens. I don’t know if they could ever measure the stress levels of this moment, but if they did, I have no doubt the levels would be through the roof. You’re trying to deal with this reality and before you know it, you are shot through the doors of the operating room. It is as if you have been thrown onto a stage and the curtains are pulled back only for you to see a packed house. You have no clue of what to do. There are people everywhere and bright lights. Everyone knows their place and you don’t know where to go or what you are supposed to do. They are moving around in this play that they have done hundreds of times as you are trying to hold it together and be the rock your wife needs for you to be. Before you know it the baby is here and now begins your NICU journey.

I have spoken to several NICU dads and we all share that moment of reeling from this nightmare of what is happening and being alone getting ready for surgery. It’s the moment that time stands still and seems to last an eternity, right before your life is forever changed.